September 2010
1. You will not love your step-child like you love your own. At least, I don’t. It’s a different relationship. I treat the children the same way (other than the required differences due to the age gap), I call them both my children – but the love for a step-child is something different. You see, you are biologically programmed to love your own child. To overlook his oversized head and stubborn streak (yes I am referring to my own son – sorry Moo!) and see him as a wonderful ball of perfection. But you can see your step-child’s flaws. You haven’t got that in-built tolerance for bullshit that parents get. And yet you love them of your own accord, simply because they’re fantastic and they fit perfectly into your heart. And in a way, I think that relationship is a bit more precious.
2. Being a step-mum doesn’t always mean being a step-monster, but it does mean you’re going to get pissed off sometimes. That afore-mentioned bullshit tolerator? I don’t have it. I can’t always smile and nod, sometimes I call her out when I know she’s talking rubbish. It’s from a good place: I want her to be the best Jelly she can be, and that means not making up stories or skewing a story to make somebody else look a little bit worse to make herself look better. Okay, I get it. Sometimes this makes me the moody bitch step-mother. Sometimes I ruin the fun. But I’d rather be honest with her. She now appreciates that sometimes I’ll tell her things her Mum and Dad won’t, and now knows whether I’m genuinely impressed with something or if I’m just saying it because it’s what parents do.
3. Biological parents are not natural enemies. Let’s be realistic about a couple of things here: your husband’s ex? She’s not with him because one or both of them decided that their relationship was not successful. It’s not going to suddenly get successful now. Also, she is not a terrible person simply because she happens to have been with (and possibly even loved) the same person you did – if anything, that shows she has some sense! Yes there are unique situations and sometimes exes are demons in disguise, but don’t dislike somebody simply because they’re your step-child’s parent. Take it from me: your step-child can only benefit from being surrounded by healthy relationships. We have actually gone on several family days out and invited Jelly’s Mum along. In fact, she’s come over for a cuppa sometimes when Jelly’s at school. She texts Jay and I regularly (and separately), and it isn’t always about Jelly. We all genuinely get along.
July 2011
4. Sometimes you’ve just got to put up with something a bit rubbish. By this I mean, your step-child will want to do what they like to do. It isn’t about you anymore, grown-up! Honestly, if a child invites you into his or her world, grab that invitation and run with it; that is a very special invitation which they only offer to those they see as long-term. Whether it be colouring in, crimping hair or making playdough pasta, they’re giving you a place in their life.
5. Being a step-parent is a bit like being a silent partner. By this I mean, you are invested in his or her life, you have your own opinions on how to get him or her to where he or she needs to be, but ultimately it is not up to you how he or she gets there. Or if he or she even gets there at all. You can have opinions, but it is up to the two biological parents to make the ultimate decision. If you are part of a healthy parenting team, as I am, then all opinions are heard and your opinion is actually valued and taken into consideration; but ultimately, it is not a decider. You are most certainly a parent, but you are not the parent. That’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes, but one you can’t change. Think of it this way: if your current partner found somebody new, you would prefer that your opinions about your child were worth more than their new partner’s. You are the new partner, even 10 years into a relationship.
6. Laughter is the best way to break any wall. Awkward silence when you meet? Don’t know what to say when you’re left alone together while Dad pops out to the loo? Feeling some resistance from your step-child? Do something stupid. Take a leaf from my book. When I met Jelly, I fell into a basket swing. She saw my knickers before she knew my face. She remembers it well, four years later.
December 2014
7. Nothing stings more than “you’re not my real Mum” (or Dad). Because let’s face it, it’s true. But think of it this way: what does a real Mum do? She loves a child. She keeps their best interests at heart. She makes good choices on behalf of that child. She lovingly disciplines. She guides her child throughout their childhood, to ensure that when he or she grows up they are the best person they can be. So ask yourself again. You may not have gone through labour and you didn’t hold that child for their first breaths (or even first years), but yes you are a real Mum. If you consider your step-child a true member of your family and of your heart and you are moulding them into the adult they will be, then you are a Mum. They just know you well enough to know how to hurt you.
And there you have it. Seven things you might not have known, but seven things which sum up the complicated relationship that occurs between a step-parent and their step-child. Step-parents – anything else to add?
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