Pre-Teen Chores

One of our biggest difficulties raising Jelly has definitely been teaching her to take responsibility for her chores, and I wholly blame it on clashing parenting techniques between her two houses. While at her Mum's house Jelly may be asked to do some chores, but her Mum doesn't feel it is fair to put that kind of pressure on a nine-year-old. We whole-heartedly disagree. In this home, we all pitch in to our family home, allowing us to carry on with a good work-ethic and a sense of pride in ones own possessions. 

We attempted to set up matching chores at each house a year or two ago, and it was just a disaster. If she didn't complete jobs at her Mum's house, she was given the money anyway as "its not her fault I didn't remind her", so she became quite happy to skip the money we were offering in order to receive money from her Mum and not lift a finger all week. We tried taking money away completely, we tried taking away her technology, she just didn't seem to care. She's only here half the week, and half a week is easy to wait out if you get to do what you want for the rest of it. It's so hard to instil values which are contradicted completely at the person's other home.

So here we are, in a situation where Jelly has been doing two jobs a week (folding socks every Saturday and making tea/coffee whenever we ask), and has not received any money from us since some time last year. Her birthday and Christmas gave her a bump in cash, so she hasn't felt the sting of going without, and unfortunately the complaints about just how much she is made to do at our house for zero reward are getting more and more frequent. It pains me to say it, but her work ethic sucks right now. But by the end of this summer, it won't.

Yesterday we had a conversation, where she told me she would like to try to earn some money. So we struck up a deal and I explained that it's very similar to what I do as a freelance worker, in the hopes of having her connect it with feeling grown-up and like she has a real sense of the value of her work. Here's the thing: I'm a workaholic, but that doesn't mean I love to work. It means I love to earn. Nothing feels greater. So I have drawn her up a price list. She knows how much each job is worth and the frequency of work is (aside from a few once-a-week jobs) entirely up to her. She is literally choosing how much money she will earn every week. The rules are: we don't remind her to do the jobs, we initial each job to agree it has been done properly, she works out the total and presents it to us (kind of like an invoice) for immediate payment at 6pm every Saturday. Suddenly she is given the chance to take responsibility, basically to own her own finances - I'm really hopeful that she's going to take this opportunity and run with it. Time will tell!

Our suggested chores for a 9 year old: fold socks [once a week], 50p. Tidy bedroom [once a week], £1.00. Tidy craft cupboard [once a week], 70p. Tidy drawer [once a week], 70p. Feed and give cats water, 10p a day. Put own laundry away, 60p. Make bed, 10p a day. Dust shelving, 30p,

7 Things You Didn’t Know About Step-Parenting

I have been in Jellybean’s life since my 20th birthday (the first picture was taken on the first day we met - the second one was a year later and it's just an embarrassing coincidence that I'm wearing the same jacket), which was just under half a decade ago. Of course, I was in it for six months longer than that – she just didn’t know it. Her Dad and I got pretty serious pretty quickly and long before she fully understood what her relationship was with me, I was wrapping her Christmas presents, buying her medicine when she was ill and making long-term plans for her future. If she were an adult, such presumptive behaviour would have been grounds for a restraining order. Alas, she has no choice; I am in her life for the rest of it, and step-parenting is a tricky business. But what are they not telling you about taking on somebody else’s child?

September 2010

1. You will not love your step-child like you love your own. At least, I don’t. It’s a different relationship. I treat the children the same way (other than the required differences due to the age gap), I call them both my children – but the love for a step-child is something different. You see, you are biologically programmed to love your own child. To overlook his oversized head and stubborn streak (yes I am referring to my own son – sorry Moo!) and see him as a wonderful ball of perfection. But you can see your step-child’s flaws. You haven’t got that in-built tolerance for bullshit that parents get. And yet you love them of your own accord, simply because they’re fantastic and they fit perfectly into your heart. And in a way, I think that relationship is a bit more precious.

2. Being a step-mum doesn’t always mean being a step-monster, but it does mean you’re going to get pissed off sometimes. That afore-mentioned bullshit tolerator? I don’t have it. I can’t always smile and nod, sometimes I call her out when I know she’s talking rubbish. It’s from a good place: I want her to be the best Jelly she can be, and that means not making up stories or skewing a story to make somebody else look a little bit worse to make herself look better. Okay, I get it. Sometimes this makes me the moody bitch step-mother. Sometimes I ruin the fun. But I’d rather be honest with her. She now appreciates that sometimes I’ll tell her things her Mum and Dad won’t, and now knows whether I’m genuinely impressed with something or if I’m just saying it because it’s what parents do.

3. Biological parents are not natural enemies. Let’s be realistic about a couple of things here: your husband’s ex? She’s not with him because one or both of them decided that their relationship was not successful. It’s not going to suddenly get successful now. Also, she is not a terrible person simply because she happens to have been with (and possibly even loved) the same person you did – if anything, that shows she has some sense! Yes there are unique situations and sometimes exes are demons in disguise, but don’t dislike somebody simply because they’re your step-child’s parent. Take it from me: your step-child can only benefit from being surrounded by healthy relationships. We have actually gone on several family days out and invited Jelly’s Mum along. In fact, she’s come over for a cuppa sometimes when Jelly’s at school. She texts Jay and I regularly (and separately), and it isn’t always about Jelly. We all genuinely get along. 

July 2011

4. Sometimes you’ve just got to put up with something a bit rubbish. By this I mean, your step-child will want to do what they like to do. It isn’t about you anymore, grown-up! Honestly, if a child invites you into his or her world, grab that invitation and run with it; that is a very special invitation which they only offer to those they see as long-term. Whether it be colouring in, crimping hair or making playdough pasta, they’re giving you a place in their life.

5. Being a step-parent is a bit like being a silent partner. By this I mean, you are invested in his or her life, you have your own opinions on how to get him or her to where he or she needs to be, but ultimately it is not up to you how he or she gets there. Or if he or she even gets there at all. You can have opinions, but it is up to the two biological parents to make the ultimate decision. If you are part of a healthy parenting team, as I am, then all opinions are heard and your opinion is actually valued and taken into consideration; but ultimately, it is not a decider. You are most certainly a parent, but you are not the parent. That’s a tough pill to swallow sometimes, but one you can’t change. Think of it this way: if your current partner found somebody new, you would prefer that your opinions about your child were worth more than their new partner’s. You are the new partner, even 10 years into a relationship. 

6. Laughter is the best way to break any wall. Awkward silence when you meet? Don’t know what to say when you’re left alone together while Dad pops out to the loo? Feeling some resistance from your step-child? Do something stupid. Take a leaf from my book. When I met Jelly, I fell into a basket swing. She saw my knickers before she knew my face. She remembers it well, four years later.

December 2014

7. Nothing stings more than “you’re not my real Mum” (or Dad). Because let’s face it, it’s true. But think of it this way: what does a real Mum do? She loves a child. She keeps their best interests at heart. She makes good choices on behalf of that child. She lovingly disciplines. She guides her child throughout their childhood, to ensure that when he or she grows up they are the best person they can be. So ask yourself again. You may not have gone through labour and you didn’t hold that child for their first breaths (or even first years), but yes you are a real Mum. If you consider your step-child a true member of your family and of your heart and you are moulding them into the adult they will be, then you are a Mum. They just know you well enough to know how to hurt you. 

And there you have it. Seven things you might not have known, but seven things which sum up the complicated relationship that occurs between a step-parent and their step-child. Step-parents – anything else to add? 

Quick School Run Hairstyles

School mornings are the worst, at least in our house: everybody's in a daze, forcing them to move more slowly than humanly possible at the one time you need them to hurry the hell up. I know as a Mum I like my children to look smart and presentable but fancy hairstyles are not always possible when it's five to eight and you're already late and nobody seems to want to get out from under their duvets. 

And so I have shared a few of my "go-to" styles for when Jelly wants to look a bit 'fancy' as she calls it and time is most definitely ticking on. I'm awful at doing hair at the best of times, and Jelly's hair is the exact opposite of mine (much thicker) so everything I thought I knew about hair has had to go out of the window since I started getting her ready for school. But I think these styles are pretty versatile, they'll work medium hair and longer (I have nothing for a pixie cut I'm afraid) and, on this first week back at school for most of the country, they're a bit of inspiration - because lets face it, you're definitely not going to feel inspired this week.

I created this 'school run' collection for children because they're simple, quick styles that don't require heat or hairspray/gel. Feel free to do these on your own hair for the school run too - just try not to match your child. Embarrassing, Mum!

Let's Twist Again...

1. I start this hair by separating off the front sections - I clip the one I'm not working with so that it doesn't get mixed in with the hair. Jelly's hair naturally parts to the side but this will actually probably look better with a central parting so just go with whatever's natural!

2. Twist the hair in towards the head, pulling it back so it isn't too loose. Hopefully your child won't hate having their hair done as much as mine does, hence the face!

3. Clip it down securely and do the same with the other side. Easy! Olaf optional.

4. Your finished product should look like this. It literally takes no more than two minutes, but it shows you made an effort.

Is it a plait or something Elsa?

1. This style requires a side parting. Again, start by separating off that front section - this time, though, just do one side.

2. Start french-braiding backwards. Take extra hair from the other side of the head. This can be a bit fiddly if you're not used to french-braiding. There are some tutorials to get you started here and here, but basically plait like normal - each time a middle piece becomes an outside piece, grab a chunk of loose hair so that it becomes part of that piece. Does that make any sense?

3. Carry on until the hair above and below the plait has ran out. Try and keep it tight as you go along - mine ended up a bit loose and messy. Like I said, rubbish at hair!

4. Once the hair has ran out, finish with a regular plait for the remaining length of hair and secure it with a normal bobble (or whatever you fancy!) I think this is quite a good style because it took less than four minutes and screams 'Elsa'. Every Elsa fan is going to be in love with this quick and easy style.

Twist that pony!

1. Create a ponytail as high as it will go. I find tipping the head upside-down helps if the hair is freshly washed and a bit less co-operative. You want it so high that the top of the pony stands right up.

2. And now on to the weirdest and worst quality photo I have ever taken. Twist that pony!

3. Start to wrap your twisted pony around the hair band - this is why it's important that it's high, as there's more structure for you to work with.

4. Once it's all wrapped around nicely, fluff it out a bit to fill any gaps and cover the hair bobble, then use another bobble to secure the whole thing. We often use a hair doughnut for this style but we couldn't find it today!

Schooltime Sassy

1. We use the ponytail from the ballerina bun to begin this style. Make your pony nice and high.

2. Choose a chunk of hair from anywhere in the ponytail. 

3. Wrap it evenly around the hair bobble, covering all of it.

4. When you reach the end of the chunk, simply use a kirby grip to pin it in place. This is Jelly's favourite style because it's the most 'fancy' apparently. And probably one of the easiest, so win-win!

I hope that helped you, Mum in a School Morning Crisis. Do you have any go-to hairstyles for fancy kiddies on school mornings? Let me know! 

Five Favourite Moments

Normally these types of posts are full of links from the year that has just passed, but as Busy Little Fee has only just become active (hello lovely new readers! You guys are awesome! Come say hey!) I resorted to looking through Facebook to remind me of some of our favourite times from this year. Obviously birthdays were lovely but I looked past those and, luckily, I appear to have organised my Facebook photos into yearly albums, and I had a whole lot of amazing memories all staring back at me in one place. So here they are! In date order and filled with love.

At the moment we're living in a two-bedroom flat, which means that our lovely kiddies have to share a bedroom. Keeping an eight-year-old girl and a one-year-old boy happy was difficult, so for their birthdays (which are both in April) we decided to jump on their mutual love of superheroes and decorated their bedroom as a surprise. We handpainted that city silhouette (made it up as we went along!), the yellow windows are all covered with glow-in-the-dark paint and there are loads of other cool little in-jokes and personal touches. If there's any interest in their room I'd be happy to do a blog post on it in the future.

Another birthday present this year was tickets for Jay and I to take Jelly to see Wicked. We had seen it for our anniversary in March (which was my third time seeing it as it is!) and she was so envious listening to the music, reading our Grimmerie, fantasizing about what the characters must look like... We just knew we had to take her. The tickets weren't for a few months after her birthday, but one Friday in July we picked her up from school and took her straight to Birmingham for some pub grub and a trip to the theatre. She was hooked from the beginning and can't wait to go again. The cast wasn't as good as when we'd seen it a few months before, but we told her it was exactly the same and, honestly, seeing her so excited was better than having an Elpheba who could hit the high note. Just. ;)

Jelly's sports day was another happy day for our family in 2014. We spent the day in the sunshine, cheering her on and having Mooster run around our feet. This picture was actually taken at the moment she threw a foam javelin and it changed direction in the air and bounced right off my head. I love candid pictures like this, and the sunshine just makes me think of our whole summer, which was full of bike rides, country music and wonderful family memories. I can't wait for this summer already. (Don't we ALWAYS do that? Say we can't wait for winter when it's hot, then say we can't wait for summer when it's cold?!)

Christmas day isn't necessarily as special to me as the month or so leading up to the big day. Lights aglow, chilly smiles, friendly waves and those amazing pork rolls that every Christmas fair seems to sell. I loved seeing the wonder in Moo's eyes this December, as he got excited about Santa and Snowmen and lights blazing around him. He loved watching the tree light up, he loved reading Christmas books and singing Christmas songs... He is well and truly mine and his Dad's son when it comes to Christmas because he is already just head-over-heels in love with this time of year. We're actually dreading taking the decorations down because we think it's going to depress him!

And of course, not only the most special moment of 2014 but the most precious day of my life... On Christmas Eve, after almost five years together, Jay proposed to me. My ring is three natural emeralds on a gold band and I adore it; green is my favourite colour, emeralds mean everlasting love and faithfulness and if you look closely you can see the all the little cracks and inclusions inside the gem which just perfectly sums up the five years we've had together: everything is shiny and perfect now but if you look closely you can see a tough history. It's like we earned those shining emeralds.

2014 has been a wonderful year and I am beyond excited for all that 2015 has to bring.

Happy New Year!