11 Ways I Am A Terrible Mother.

I'm not what many would call a 'natural' mother. Sure, I love my kids, but parenting didn't come easy to me. I didn't breastfeed. I used the 'cry it out' method. Exclusively those two things don't make you lazy but heck, if I see my kid choking I give it a second to see if he can figure out how to fix it himself before I jump in and fish it out. My parenting style has generally been to love them, to feed them, to hug them and anything else is on an "only if I REALLY have to" basis. I have now decided that I refuse to believe I'm the only one. Lazy Mums (lums?!) of the world unite! Here are 11 ways I suck at being Mum. No judgies.

I am a huge fan of the idle threat. When I say I'm counting to five, you'd better believe I'll be counting slowly. If I actually have to get up and do some parenting when I get to five, I WILL be mad. And I am currently going between phoning daddy and phoning Santa at least daily. They are much more scary than mummy.

I have never cut my son's nails. I don't know, I guess they're so flimsy they just fall off when they're ready. But Jay told me a story about cutting Jelly's nails when she was a baby and nicking the skin and it bleeding and bleeding. And because of that story, Moo's nails have never been cut. Hopefully he just magically learns to cut them himself and I never need to do it!

Sometimes I put Moo down for a nap just because I have shit to get done. I can't be the only mum, right? "I KNOW you're not tired, darling, but mummy scheduled two hours of revision* for today so just go to bed and watch a film". Yup. I also use Netflix as a babysitter sometimes. *Gilmore Girls

I totally have a favourite child. The favourite child is whichever one is pissing me off less that day.

I have lied about the time to make bedtime earlier. The worst part is Jelly is 9 and doesn't even check the clock, she just goes with it. Whoops!

I laugh when my kids fall over. I'm not talking "I check if they're okay and then I chuckle", I'm talking I straight-up piss my pants and IF I notice any blood or tears I half laugh, half mop them up. Sorry, kids. Mummy thrives on the comedy of your failures.

On that note, I've actually filmed my children throwing tantrums sometimes. I'm not really sure why...

I'm a moody Mummy. If I want to read "7 reasons you should be more patient with your kids", I think they should shut the fuck up and let me do it. Come ON, kids! Mummy's trying to ignore you!

I am fully aware that raising a child is not a competition, except that it is and my kids are winning it for me. Did I mention my two year old is fluent in German, Portuguese, Russian and Bulgarian*? *all a total lie. But didn't I win at parenting for just a *fraction* of a moment?

I'm one of those parents who SHAMES their children out of bad habits. IS THAT YOUR FINGER UP YOUR NOSE? I will bellow in Tesco. Yeah, my kids hate me. Grotty little buggers.

So let's have it, fellow lums. Do you suck too? A terrible admission shared is a terrible admission... Well, that I can laugh at. Do you feel like challenging me for my throne?