10 Things You Didn't Realise Were Thin Privilege

For the purposes of research, I searched 'thin privilege' on Twitter last night. The results made me sad. Page after page of people rolling their eyes, saying there was no such thing as thin privilege or, worse, saying that if fat people wanted privilege too they should just lose weight. What actually went beyond sad and actually became laughable was the people saying that thin people had things worse than fat people. 

I think people are misunderstanding the definition of privilege. Privilege is: "a special right, advantage, or immunity granted or available only to a particular person or group". This doesn't mean that being thin gets you admitted into a special club with a gift basket and coupons for JuicePlus. It means that, although there are aspects of your life that you will struggle with - and those may or may not relate to your body - there are certain struggles you just don't have to face which fat people do. Admitting privilege is not undermining your personal struggles. It is just acknowledging that a group of people have struggles with something that doesn't personally hold you back in your own life.

Visiting a shopping centre to buy clothes

Scenario: you have a job interview. Or you need cheering up. Or you have a date. Or you want to hang out with your friends, trying on bad outfits to make a cheesey changing-room montage together (just me?). As somebody who is straight-sized, you are able to go into any shop and find clothes which you can pull on to your body. They might not fit you *just right*. Your feet could be hidden in fabric, your bum could look saggy, your top could be too low to contain your cleavage. But there are clothes that physically fit on your body in that shop. I cannot go into a highstreet shop and just squeeze my body into an item of their clothing. Your privilege is that it may not fit perfectly, but at least you are covered.

Cheap fashion

Ethical reasons aside, how I long to be able to buy a vest top for under a fiver. I wish I could go into Primark and leave with more than a travel mug and some sunglasses. I talked about how cool it was that fat bodies were being respected enough to be deemed worthy of high end fashion like the Beth Ditto range, but what about some cheap and nasty fashion? Your privilege is that you are able to treat yourself without spending as much money as me.

Planning trips ahead

You probably won't even think about this if you have thin privilege. There is a thought process that goes into every decision a plus size person makes, and that is: will I fit? Cinema or theatre seats come in small sizes, so is it worth paying for a ticket if I may have to leave? Last year I rejected a free trip to a theme park, very begrudgingly, because I knew I wouldn't fit in any of the rides. Will I be rejected from joining in with activities? Can I attend my best friend's 'assault course' hen party without being laughed at, or even being turned away because I won't fit in the tunnels? How big are the bathroom stalls where I'm going? Will people make rude comments to me? Even University can be stressful: I automatically feel less anxiety about a lecture if it doesn't have chairs with built in tables, because I can't fit behind those. Your privilege is that you are able to be spontaneous and enjoy life without worries based on your size.

Health lectures

Man oh man, it would be awesome to be able to be in a space where somebody could talk positively about their fat body without a concern troll wading their way in and judging your health based on the way you look. If you have read body positive media and wince about positive things being said about plus bodies, you are misguided. If you have read any of my posts about my own body (including this one) and assumed that I am an unhealthy person based on my appearance, you are misguided. But the problem is, you're not the only one. I live in a society where I have to tiptoe around my attitude to my own body because at any given moment I could be lectured about the extra layer of fat munching up my organs or whatever concern trolls are coming up with at the moment. Your privilege is that people don't assume to know your health based on the way that you look.

You can decide that things aren't offensive

When you are straight sized, there is a variety of media available to you that is tailored towards people with your body type and your mentality. Indeed, your mentality is perpetuated by this very media, and so the cycle begins. A big step towards body positivity is rejecting the messages that mainstream media spreads about your body, and 'call out culture' is an important tool in helping those who are not as far along in their journey as you are. If you are thin, it's not for you to decide that I "shouldn't be offended" or take things personally, because this media is FOR you, aimed AT me. Other than the fact that you can't just dismiss people's feelings because they don't fit your agenda, your privilege is that you can turn the other way when you see something you don't want to see. For a lot of us, there is no other place to go unless we create it ourselves.

Dating/friends - 'the fat friend' 'the funny one'

Dating or making friends can be hard when you're fat, because it's almost like you need to present and acknowledge that information up front and let people know how you feel about it. You've either got to be the confident fatty who owns his/her body, or be the apologetic fatty who is always trying to change it. As an unconfident fat person I always felt the need to 'make up for' the way I looked, using humour as a way to say "sorry for how I look, but don't go! I've got a great personality to make up for it! See?!" and honestly that is something I see so much of. Think of romantic comedies: how often is the fat woman the object of affection? And how often is she the butt of the joke? Your privilege is that you don't feel the need to alter your personality to suit people's attitudes towards your body.

It is assumed that you have self-control

Because every fat person wallows on their kitchen floor, stuffing themselves with cupcakes, right? Because every joke about "leftovers? What are they?" and "don't sugarcoat it or you'll eat that too!" is such an accurate representation of what it means to be fat, yes? Spoiler alert: fat people are regular people. I eat vegetables, just like you. I get full. I can leave half of a meal. I eat a varied diet, and sometimes I don't eat much at all. I don't chomp my way around life eating everything in sight. I HAVE SELF CONTROL. And the mere fact I even need to say that, and the mere fact that people will read this and think "yeah right" says it all. Your privilege is that you are allowed to be an authority on your own eating habits without judgement or doubt.

It is also assumed that you are capable of work

Being fat means living with the assumption that you can't move very quickly or for very much time. My evidence? Life. My husband is a fast runner and constantly being told "wow you've got some speed for a big guy". I worked 50+ hour weeks on my feet, running, dashing, squatting, not stopping for lunch breaks (that's right, I missed meals. And indeed THAT is what concern trolls should be worried about, because that is never healthy.) and it was constantly commented on with surprise that I was so fast and efficient. I saw a TV programme about employers that wouldn't employ fat people because they were labouring under the assumption that fat people would be dirty, smelly, slow and unintelligent. And they'd have missed out on a damn good worker if they'd have rejected me. Your privilege is that you are given a chance to prove yourself to be capable, it isn't assumed that you will be incapable or even a liability based on the way you look.

You don't receive judgement for exercising

I saw a phrase I liked once: I don't exercise because I hate my body, I exercise because I love my body. In other words, when you see a fat person exercising don't assume it means they want to change. A person can be fit, healthy and active and still be fat, and that is okay. I love the adrenaline rush after a good dance session or workout. I love lifting weights and feeling strong. But when you're fat and you exercise, people assume it means you must hate your body - or, worse, that you have some sort of 'goal' you are intending to reach. Your privilege is that you are allowed to maintain your fitness without it causing judgemental assumptions.

Anna of Glitter and Lazers

Justification for your body

And, finally, this old chestnut. It has long been said that there are "good fats" and there are "bad fats". Good fats have elements of their bodies that society are ready to get on board with. Hourglass figures are 'curvy' and therefore more likely to be sexualised. Some good fats have what society decides is a nice bum, or they might have a flat stomach. There is nothing about my body that society says is okay, and that is a-okay with me. But for many people, that thought can be really troubling. Your privilege is that society is happy to praise you for elements of your body that they deem to be acceptable.

You might find that only one of these applies to you. It could be a good 75%, it could even be all of them. Some fat people may not find that these apply to them, because they are in different situations than me and have access to different resources. And that is okay. It doesn't make you a bad person: what makes you a bad person is taking that for granted and denying that you are privileged. Be appreciative of what is positive in your life, acknowledge your privilege and be an ally to those who have less than you. 

A Letter to my Children, from your Introverted Mother.

Dear, My  Children.

An introvert is a person who feels more comfortable when they are on their own. They charge their batteries by spending time alone and they feel happier in quiet places, living life at their own pace.

A child is a person who tends to surround themselves with chaos. They charge their batteries when sleeping and then wake up full of extreme energy. They feel happier hanging off Mummy's leg, making as much noise as possible and living life at a fast pace.

Mummy is an introvert. You see my problem.

It didn't start when I had you. It actually started before you were even a thought in my mind - it has been part of who I am since the day I was born. I was the child who would ask if I could go to my friend's house while shaking my head frantically at Granny (my Mum, of course), whispering 'say no!' while covering the mouthpiece of the phone. I was the child who could spend an entire afternoon riding her bike around in a car park, content with pretend conversations in her head rather than the hassle of having to pretend I knew the right way to have conversations with other people. It was never personal, and it isn't personal with you: I'm just not good at being around people.

When I am around people, I feel like a superhero who is getting weaker and weaker. My energy drains and I need to shut myself in a quiet room and recharge before I am able to have the full extent of my powers. As my powers get lower, my mood does too: I have a short temper, I snap over little things and I end up curled into a ball sobbing. I know that must sound familiar to you, and that breaks my heart.

I spent a lot of time thinking that it meant I wasn't a good Mummy. I could handle you when you wanted to curl up beside me and watch a film. I could handle you when you wanted me to plait your hair or paint your nails. I could handle you when the two of you got along. But then you were loud or you bickered. Layer upon layer of noise sapped me of my energy. You clambered over me when I wanted not to be touched, and then the dog jumped on me, and then the cat, and then you got right up in my face and made a loud noise because you thought it'd be funny - it was too much.  I told myself that my inability to handle you when you were loud and obnoxious meant that I was a bad mother. I joked with your childminder that I was a bad mother because I was happy for you to be with her while I spent a day at home enjoying the silence, because it wasn't just overactivity that I found myself unable to cope with, but sometimes even being around you and your energetic vibe.

Sometimes Mummy needs to sit alone in the bedroom because the air is colder in there, and the room is darker, and when I am in that environment I physically feel my tension fizzling away. That doesn't mean I don't love you. Sometimes Mummy takes five minutes to lock herself in the bathroom, squatting in the corner of the room and holding the lock so you can't turn it from the outside. That doesn't mean I don't love you. Sometimes Mummy needs to take a deep breath before opening a door to prepare herself for you because you're a bundle of energy and noise and I'm not very good at processing those things at the rate that you produce them. That doesn't mean I don't love you. Sometimes Mummy wants to rush you off to school, snaps at you to just give me five seconds of silence, runs from you when you touch her: none of those things mean I don't love you. They are just part of who I am and, unfortunately for you, have become part of how I mother.

I have gone to counselling to try and control these aspects of myself but ultimately, being an introvert is not a mental health problem. I'm not a bad Mum, I'm just a different Mum. I'm the only Mum I can be. 

A Mummy is a person who loves her child unconditionally. She wants her children to feel happy and loved. She wants to teach them to be good grown-ups. She wants to spend every second of every day soaking up the love of her child.

Mummy is an introvert. You see my problem.

Let's make a deal. I will manoeuvre myself around your lives, ensuring I get that precious silence that is vital to me in order to be a good Mum. I will arrange our lives so that there is minimal stress, as little interaction with third parties at one time as possible, and I will recognise my triggers and take breaks when I need to. And you just be you. Because you're awesome at it.

All my love, Mummy

Birthday Wishlist - Age 10.

Paigeypops is turning 10 at the end of next month - that's right, double digits! She's obsessed with Adventure Time these days, and is having an Adventure Time disco with 20 of her friends. Other than that, she has spent this year sewing bits and bobs where she can on her sewing machine or immersing herself in the world of Harry Potter - a world I have long hoped she would begin to enjoy. To reflect these loves (and her first love, Jack Skellington) her birthday wishlist this year is full of bright colours and her love of crafting. Enjoy!

1. Adventure Time encyclopedia // 2. TNBC dress // 3. Oliver + S sewing book
4. Harry Potter stationery kit // 5. Finn hoodie // 6. Oookelele // 7. Adventure Time Monopoly

Birthday Wishlist - Age 3.

Michael's birthday is in two weeks, and my special little man is about to turn three. THREE!! He is completely and utterly a person in his own right now, with his own likes and dislikes, a sense of humour and the ability to hold a conversation about his life outside of our home. In a way it sucks; once upon a time I was this boy's world, and now his horizons are broadening. But the blow is softened by what a cool and kind little person he is becoming. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, just chatting and making jokes. That's a pretty cool thing to be able to say about the kid that you essentially taught to be a human.

Mooster isn't actually getting presents from us this year; instead we've decided to surprise him with a two-day trip to Peppa Pig World. He is going to be psyched. But he's got a sibling, lots of aunties, uncles and grandparents he needs to inspire on the present front this year, so I've put together a list of things that are made of awesome when you are 3.

1. 'The Hive' playhouse // 2. Tri-Skates // 3. 'Peppa Pig' fairground game
4. 'Be Kind' book // 5. 'Dinosaur Train' books // 6. 'Charlie Brown' bus and figures

RI Plus - Here's What I Would Have Bought.

When River Island announced that they would be branching out into a plus size range, there was a collective swelling of anticipation within the plus community. A quick look at their standard range shows that it ends at a size 18, so I don't think I was alone in being excited by the idea of an extended, inclusive range. Could this be a high street brand who would highlight the need for clothing up to at least a size 32? Were we about to get some of the gorgeous clothes that I had dreamed of, but never been able to buy, from River Island? Looking at the River Island standard range, I see sassy clothes worn. I see shapes, colours, denims, slouchy clothes, fitted clothes. An extension of this range into a size that would actually fit me? I was pretty psyched.

And then they dropped the bombshell. 

"Our exciting new plus size range - in sizes 18 - 24!"

I'm sorry, what? What went from an exciting step towards inclusion changed rapidly into a token gesture, throwing three extra sizes out knowing that the plus size community would give them a bunch of publicity for free. So now I'm conflicted. Of course it's important to highlight the need for plus size ranges in every company, but when it ends at a size 24, it sort of doesn't feel like their heart was really in it. The clothes are... Not great. Mostly shapeless, people have said the t-shirts look too short for plus size bodies and the prints don't show as wide a variety as there is in the straight size range. Nevertheless, I had a look through the entire range and there were a few pieces I found my heart panging for. And isn't that the point? I've been excluded from their straight size range and it makes me sad when I see things they don't feel I am worthy of fitting in to. And then they bring out plus size clothing, they show me a couple of pieces I fall for and yet again I am left feeling sad because their clothes are only worthy of people whose bodies are smaller than mine.

BRANDS: there is no reason whatsoever not to stock to a size 32. There is no reason to say "it's only for now" "it's only while we test the waters" "we are seeing how smaller sizes go down first" -  NO! Smaller, independent brands have done it. You could afford to take a hit to take care of your customers. And the funny thing is, you don't realise just how much custom you're actually missing out on by excluding us. Here's what I would have bought.

Split sleeve t-shirt

£20.00

Stripe asymmetric hem t-shirt*

£18.00

Black wet look high waisted leggings*

£22.00

Check shirt dress

£40.00

Lori skinny jeans

£35.00

Slouchy knitted jumper*

£36.00

GRAND TOTAL: £171.00

Yep, that's right. By not including me in your sizing, you lost out on £171.00. And that's just one customer. I also put stars next to the items I was really drawn to, so would be likely to purchase more than one. I would also have listed more skinny jeans but I'm unsure how much stretch your jeans have in them. Do you make clothes to fit fat bodies, or do you just add a bit more material to your straight size designs? These are questions which the plus size community will answer in time, but not by the larger of us. To give you an indication, #Team26Plus currently has 159 members. Can you imagine if the £171 I have just 'spent' was given to you by all 159 members, every season? 

You just cost yourselves over £100,000. Congrats. 

You need to become more inclusive.

For another voice from the plus community, have a look at Debz' post!

International Women's Day: What Makes A Good Woman?

My focus has been drawn this week towards what makes a 'good' woman, and a 'good' mother. Social media has been ablaze with Mother's Day and International Women's Day messages about who people admire for being a good woman or a good mother, and it really piqued my interest. I try daily to be both of those things, and yet I don't actually know what they mean.

It is easier to define a good mother. If you love your children and you are doing what you can in honour and support of them, then you are a good mother. And part of being a good mother is being a good woman, in my opinion. In fact, I tweeted earlier that part of my duty as a good woman was to teach my son to be a good man. But what does that mean? 

I started with Google. My oh my, I wish I hadn't. The articles I found centred more around what it meant to be a good woman for her man. What I mean by this is that I read articles proclaiming that good women will be reserved and passive, she will follow you blindly and she will, hold your nausea here, 'King' her man. This does include the phrase "feed him grapes". I am serious. Maybe it's just that the right kind of sites have never approached the question, but I couldn't find anything about a woman being a good woman in her own right. I found a list of ideals written by men. And more than one reference to 'chasing tail'.

Studying history, I have been introduced to many 'great women'. These women have paved the way for us and changed the world. But were they good women, or just women who achieved good things? What about looking beyond their political beliefs? Were they kind? Were they happy? 

So here we go. This is what I think makes a good woman.

A good woman is who she wants to be. She isn't unapologetic, because it doesn't cross her mind that there should be anything to apologise for. She is smart; she puts in what she expects to get out of every project. She puts herself on a pedestal, but she is happy to share it with other women. She recognises the strength and love of good men and women. If she wants to be independent, she is. If she wants to take a traditional role within her family home, she does that. She gives herself the right to heal. She gives herself the right to be happy. She acknowledges the struggles of our foremothers which gave her that choice, that right, to be exactly who she is and nobody else.

She is my mother. She is my grandmother. She is my mother-in-law. She is my aunties. She is my sister. She is my daughter. She is the friend who comes to see me just because I feel sad. She is Daisy, Tanya, Lottie, Sarah, KJ, MoG, Katt, Nikki, Georgina and Kitty. She is every woman who reads this blog. And, hopefully, she is me.

Mother's Day 2016.

This morning my special little guy and I took a little walk to the park to get some photos together. They're not the most polished or professional, but it was me, a toddler and a timer function in a park with no tripod. We did okay and the pictures are super special to me anyway.