Finding Big, Beautiful Happiness

I'd say I have always been big, but that would be a lie. I haven't always been big; I remember comfortably pulling on a size 6 vest top, hip bones sticking out the bottom, walking out in public and being told repeatedly how fat I was. I wasn't always fat, but I was always unpopular (and ginger), and I suppose calling people fat is the easiest thing to do.

The bride is still happily married, despite her friend wearing a size 24 dress.

I've grown up in a world that tells me that everything about me is wrong, and I suppose after the reception I got for the last post I did, it felt like the right time to address that. Body positivity isn't a golden-ticket opportunity: it should be a human right. It should be normal for every man, woman and child to live their lives without having to worry about what everybody thinks about the amount of skin they have on their bodies, or the amount of hair, or how smooth or dark or wobbly or angular various parts of their anatomy appear to be.

In secondary school, I was tormented because I was fat, and actually I was a size 14 when I left at age 16. I was punched, I had clothes cut up when I was swimming, I had coins thrown at me (and then shoes when people realised I was collecting the money!), I had mean things written about me and I rarely made it from class to class without at least one push or negative comment. About the ratio of flesh to bone on my body. How ridiculous is that?

We loved Wicked, even if my butt did touch both sides of the chair.

I got my first stretch mark when I was probably about 16, too. I was showering at a friend's house and I saw one on my stomach as I stepped over the edge of the bath and caught sight of myself in the mirror. Oh god how I cried. The next year I went to college to study acting (left after three months, wasn't my thing) and in the changing rooms it became clear that even the smallest of girls had stretch marks because, guess what? People grow up and out and in all directions, and stretch marks are a normal part of most peoples' bodies. 

The two things that changed how I felt about my body, ultimately, were the blogging world and having children. Lady after lady sets up a blog, shows how amazing her rolls can look in all their glory wearing easily accessible and affordable clothes and oh my god, suddenly I'm normal. And then there are the experiences I have with my children and my groom-to-be. Is our laughter dampened because I'm fat? Do they love me any less? Does our picnic taste less great because I was fat when I ate it? Did that game we play suffer because I'm above a size 20? Do they miss out? No. Are they happy? Yes. So, when all is said and does, what the fuck does it matter if I'm fat? It's not about changing who you are, it's about learning to love it and flaunt it and make the most of it in all its of its glory.

My kids love their mama's squishy rolls, because there's more to cuddle up to!

I mean, really, since when are humans valued on the amount of skin on their bodies?

Thanks for the Fat Shaming.

We didn't know what to do for lunch today. We needed to grab bits and bobs for dinner, we had a few hours before it was time to pick Mooster and Jellybean up, we figured we'd kill two birds with one stone and have lunch in a supermarket cafe. Breakfasts at Morrisons are usually dee-lish, and we've enjoyed their 'kids eat free on school nights' promotion before, so why not give the lunch a try?

Neither of us got our first choices for lunch, or even our second choices. After a few attempts to order, the lady at the cashier exasperatedly read out a list of all the things they were no longer serving that day. I decided on hunter chicken, which is a chicken breast covered with BBQ sauce and bacon, and Jay had a portion of lasagne. It came with chips, but my partner and I each wanted a portion of 'loaded chips' (chips with a fancy topping) - I wanted pulled pork and cheese, he wanted chilli and cheese. She explained that she couldn't exchange the chips for the loaded chips, I said that was fine, I was happy to pay extra. "Would you like any onion rings with it?" "Oh go on then, why not?"

So then our food arrived. A woman (who had not served us previously, so I don't know her name) brought over a hunter chicken, a lasagne, a portion of onion rings and, for some reason, two BOWLS of cheese. I assume it's because we asked for cheese sprinkled on the chilli & pulled pork and they misunderstood. Another waitress walked past her carrying extra plates and said "have you got everything for that table?" and ours replied "I would imagine so. There's a load of food here." - sting one. Jay had gone to fill my empty glass at this point, so it was just me. "Have you got everything?" "Almost, we're just waiting on two portions of loaded fries" I replied with a smile. I worked in customer service for a decade, so I always make an effort to be extra nice to service staff. "Oh." she said, glaring at me. "Decided to be greedy today, did we?" and stomped off.

The previous waitress with the extra plates walked back the other way, and our waitress said the extra plates were "for the fat ones over there, they've decided to be greedy and order a load of food". I was in the middle of explaining to Jay what she had said, when I overheard the second comment and said "she is literally slagging us off right now". He turned to look at our waitress who stomped back to the kitchen, and the other waitress threw our extra plates down and walked off without a word.

Now, there are a few things I need to point out here. Firstly, this is not a typical representation of Morrisons staff: we have had breakfast there often and the morning shift are a delight. Kind, chatty, I've actually gone out of my way to contact Morrisons with compliments about the morning staff before. Also, I don't know if the waitress who made the comments had some sort of learning difficulty etc - but similarly, the staff at Morrisons don't know if I have body issues, any sort of eating disorder, they don't know anything about me. I might have been going in for an operation so having one big meal before going 24 hours without eating. I might have been homeless and having my only meal of the day. And, actually, none of that matters because I was a paying customer and it was my own damn business how much I decided to eat.

And if anybody is interested, I ate one chicken breast, a couple of onion rings because I can't stand the taste of burned food and the pulled pork off the top of one portion of chips because the chips were rank. What a greedy bitch, right? And would it be any of Morrisons' business if I was? 

What I didn't eat of my 'tonne of food'. Thanks, Morrisons!

For anybody interested, I contacted Morrisons to complain and they said they are sorry.

Wedding Wednesday: TWO Wedding Days?!

Somewhere along the line, between booking our perfect reception venue and checking we had all of the right ID documentation to do the actual getting married thing, somebody booked August the 8th at our local registry office.

I shouldn't have been surprised; I'm aware of at least three other brides who are sharing my day, and local brokels (I went for local brides and local yokels there because I'm CLEVER) probably chose the date for the same reasons I did. It's a weekend. It's the school holidays in both England and Scotland. It's 08/08 which is nice and neat. August is a popular wedding month. I get it, I get it, and I shouldn't have left it so late to get this stuff finalised. So, this morning, I spoke to my local superintendent registrar and she informed me that the 8th of August was all booked up, sounding pained and uncomfortable as I'd just revealed that I'd already booked my reception.

"Oh, that's okay" I said. Easy, breezy, beautiful. "My reception isn't like a proper reception. It's just like people getting together to celebrate. It doesn't need to be on the same day. Just, like, some time within the next week or something would be cool!" I surprised myself with the ease at which I said these words. Not as much as madame registrar, who sounded very confused, spluttered a little bit then said "is the 7th okay?"

And here's why it is:

• We get to enjoy not one, but two wedding days. It's a wedding weekend, y'all!
• We have now cut our special day in half. Meaning, the busy morning and the busy afternoon are separated. Meaning, we have time to process and the stress level has just been slashed.
• We have a moment to step back and take in all of the best moments, instead of getting caught up running from place to place to make things on time.
• Our reception is a 'blessing ceremony' anyway. I'm not even wearing my dress to get legally wed so, really, the wedding day that everybody is going to see (only immediate family invited to the legal bit) is our proper special day that we wanted to share with anyone.

A year ago, the very idea of this situation arising would have filled me with panic. But as this wedding lark has gone on, I've come to appreciate the singularity of it all. I'll never be engaged again. We'll never get married again. We'd never have had a wedding day again but, guess what? Now we've got two. And we've got two whole days to soak up the happy. :)

Mental Health Awareness Week 2015

The 11th to the 17th of May 2015 is Mental Health Awareness week, and I thought I'd pop a little something up because it's close to my heart and because I think we all need to be a little bit more aware of eachother in general.

Did you know that 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience some form of mental health problem in the course of a year?

Did you know that 10% of children in the UK suffer with a mental health problem?

Did you know that British men are three times more likely to commit suicide than British women?

Did you know that women are more likely to receive treatment for a mental health problem than men? This point and the last combined suggest to me that women are more open to seeking help with a mental health problem and that men statistically will keep their problems to themselves until they become too hard to handle.

Did you know that 9 out of every 10 people with a mental health problem in this country feel that they experience some form of stigma or discrimination? 

Did you know that three out of every four young people with a mental health problem are too afraid to confide in their friends? 

These are just a few statistics that I've found from a quick Google search, but already it is clear that mental health problems can affect any of us, at any time, and that it is 2015 and mental health problems are still a taboo subject despite the fact that they are normal, we are normal, and we are all so much more than our serotonin and dopamine levels. So let's talk.

Hi. I'm Fee. I'm a Mum and a fiancée and a mature student. I'm funny, I'm kind, I'm clever and I'm loving. I like long bike rides, picnics, curling up with a good book and watching romantic comedies over a takeaway with some good friends. And I am on daily medication to help me with my depression and anxiety. 

How about you?

If you are concerned about your mental health or the mental health of somebody close to you, there are some great websites full of information and advice here and here. Speaking to your GP could change, or even save, your life. If I can do it, you can do it. It's time to talk.

Just life and stuff

My first exam, which was for American history, actually went really well yesterday. We had to choose two essay questions and I ended up going for one about cultural conflict in the 1920s and one about political paranoia in the Cold War. I was able to write and write on both subjects, there were no points that I had to stop and think "oh God, what do I write now?!" so all in all I'm confident that I've passed and am now up to 40 credits towards my degree! (The first 20 credits being from a module that has no exam, though I'm yet to actually receive my average grade). I got home and we celebrated by having our friend Kathy come over - our Thursday night get-togethers have become somewhat of a tradition! - eating KFC, doing the Time Warp and booking tickets to see Rocky Horror Picture Show in Birmingham next January, as a bit of an impulse buy. I'm really looking forward to it, though Lord knows what we're going to do about childcare.

Today it's just more revision, really. I have a Women's History exam on Tuesday which I'm really looking forward to, and then Blood and Iron (origins of the first world war, essentially) which I'm not so much so need to really brush up. I've been watching Crash Course videos every day so I at least feel like I've got SOMETHING to say, and holla! I feel like I can finally explain the July Crisis.

On Saturday the 16th I'm having a tooth extracted by conscious sedation as it has crumbled away at the teeth on either side have already began to migrate together, making it a bit tricky to come out. And then my final two exams, Holocaust and then Kings and Confessions (all about early modern Europe) are the 18th and 19th. I'm a little worried about the little time available from the 16th to the 19th and how much pain I'll be in/how much I'll feel like studying so I really need to knuckle down and feel confident by Friday the 15th I think.

And then I'll be finished! 120 credits down, 240 to go! I'm not sure when we get our exam results, I'm really hoping not to have to do any re-sits - aside from the obvious, the re-sits are a couple of weeks before the wedding and it's the last thing I need to be worrying about while trying to plan our big day. Three months today, somehow. WHAT? 

This has been a ramble but I've got back in to reading blogs recently and it's been so nice to actually read proper lifestyle, not staged posts to see who can get the most hits and be the best 'brand'. So I thought I'd just throw in a bit of a ramble. I know I'll look back on exam madness and laugh. Or look back in 3rd year and cry into my dissertation, wishing for exams...

Wedding Wednesday: The Stress With The Dress

As a child, I couldn't picture myself in the long white gown that sounded crispy when I walked. I couldn't see the sparkling tiara or the curled up-do that every bride wore with pride. I couldn't see myself walking out of a church to be showered with confetti, and that actually made me really sad. Why couldn't I be like my friends?

As you grow you realise the benefit of being unique. And, actually, quite often it is a lot cheaper not to follow the tide. I set myself a budget of £120 for my wedding dress, mostly because I fell in love with a little number on eBay the first day I started looking. The dress surprised everybody because it was so girly and quirky and completely out of the norm, but actually when I showed it to Jay (because, as you're about to find out, I didn't go for it in the end!) he wasn't surprised it all and said it suited my personality perfectly.

I do still miss this dress and wish I could 

have banked on it looking exactly like this as I'd have loved it.

Over time I started to see more and more horror stories about dresses from China. People were laughing at me and Googling articles about awful dresses from China when I'd tell them where my dress was from. And, actually, what was worse was when people simply asked me what my plan B was when I told them about my dress. Is it normal to respond to a beaming bride with 'what is your plan B?' when she talks about her dress?

At University one day I had one hour between lectures and in that hour I had a complete meltdown about my choice. I obsessively looked for a replacement in my price range that didn't come from China. I looked for small-time local dressmakers. I found a vintage-style dress that was made right here in Milton Keynes for only £30 and I felt really good about it, but when it arrived it was more brown than it had looked in the picture, the stitching along the hem wasn't great and it needed to be taken up about 5 inches. It just didn't *feel* like my wedding dress. Again I started to obsess about it and pored over page after page of alternative dresses. In the end I ended up showing Jay the dress, explaining that it just didn't feel right and I needed to get yet another one. He actually really liked it and said, since it was only £30, I should just keep it for special occasions. But I continued on my search.

My second rejected wedding dress. I was going to wear this

with a hot pink layered petticoat underneath.

Finally, I found her. Yes, she has a name, but I can't say it incase my fiance comes across it! £30 over budget. British dressmaker. Custom sizing, including length. Actually more traditional than I ever thought I'd go for, but when I look back on those childhood visions, that image I was embarrassed to admit because it didn't have a train flowing behind me, it is actually exactly what I always saw myself wearing. It is due to arrive around the 3rd of July (just over a month before the wedding, so time for any slight alterations) and I am so excited for it to get here.

Before wedding dress shopping I thought I was quite easy-going. I didn't 'get' why people got so angry about their dresses on Don't Tell the Bride because, hey, it's just one dress and it's just one day. But actually it turns out I really did know exactly what I wanted (who knew!) and I really wasn't willing to settle for anything less. Obviously I can't show a picture of what I went for!

COME ON, JULY 3RD!

In the Revision Pit

Oh man, I am the worst blogger. Mostly because I am never here, but also because whenever I am here I 'accidentally' migrate across to eBay and buy whatever pretty wedding things I set my eyes upon. It's a sickness, I swear to God.

But now I'm here and it's just to talk about being buried alive by revision, really. I've got a work deadline that came and went so I intend to make use of the bank holiday tomorrow to finish that off, and then my first exam is on Thursday which is a little bit scary. I have revised enough to feel like I know what I'm talking about for three subjects, I haven't yet started on the two subjects I have exams for the week after that. I'm worried if I start looking at other subjects I'm going to forget the things I 'know' for my first three exams. In fact, in an anxiety dream I had last night I ended up sitting in an exam room for one module and writing an extensive essay that I was really proud of... For the wrong module. 

I was intending to work on a revision techniques post for my fellow reviskateers (that was shit) but technique number one should almost always be 'don't stop revising to write a blog post nobody's ever actually going to read' so I've had to talk myself out of that one. I might write it in the summer and schedule it for next exam season.

So it was just a quick one today to say yes, I'm here, no, I don't ONLY talk about weddings. Jay is busy finishing up his computer game as his big end of year assignment and it's looking AWESOME so I'm really excited to see the finished product. The kids are good, Mooster had his 2 year check up and we were told he's a little on the chunky side (more to love!) but that there are no concerns, he's either on track or ahead of it. Jellybean is having her BFF over for a sleepover tonight so I'm just hoping it stops raining by tomorrow so they can get outside on bikes or something and not drive all of us crazy! I don't remember being that loud when I was 9. My mother would DEFINITELY agree... ;)