A Letter to my Children, from your Introverted Mother.

Dear, My  Children.

An introvert is a person who feels more comfortable when they are on their own. They charge their batteries by spending time alone and they feel happier in quiet places, living life at their own pace.

A child is a person who tends to surround themselves with chaos. They charge their batteries when sleeping and then wake up full of extreme energy. They feel happier hanging off Mummy's leg, making as much noise as possible and living life at a fast pace.

Mummy is an introvert. You see my problem.

It didn't start when I had you. It actually started before you were even a thought in my mind - it has been part of who I am since the day I was born. I was the child who would ask if I could go to my friend's house while shaking my head frantically at Granny (my Mum, of course), whispering 'say no!' while covering the mouthpiece of the phone. I was the child who could spend an entire afternoon riding her bike around in a car park, content with pretend conversations in her head rather than the hassle of having to pretend I knew the right way to have conversations with other people. It was never personal, and it isn't personal with you: I'm just not good at being around people.

When I am around people, I feel like a superhero who is getting weaker and weaker. My energy drains and I need to shut myself in a quiet room and recharge before I am able to have the full extent of my powers. As my powers get lower, my mood does too: I have a short temper, I snap over little things and I end up curled into a ball sobbing. I know that must sound familiar to you, and that breaks my heart.

I spent a lot of time thinking that it meant I wasn't a good Mummy. I could handle you when you wanted to curl up beside me and watch a film. I could handle you when you wanted me to plait your hair or paint your nails. I could handle you when the two of you got along. But then you were loud or you bickered. Layer upon layer of noise sapped me of my energy. You clambered over me when I wanted not to be touched, and then the dog jumped on me, and then the cat, and then you got right up in my face and made a loud noise because you thought it'd be funny - it was too much.  I told myself that my inability to handle you when you were loud and obnoxious meant that I was a bad mother. I joked with your childminder that I was a bad mother because I was happy for you to be with her while I spent a day at home enjoying the silence, because it wasn't just overactivity that I found myself unable to cope with, but sometimes even being around you and your energetic vibe.

Sometimes Mummy needs to sit alone in the bedroom because the air is colder in there, and the room is darker, and when I am in that environment I physically feel my tension fizzling away. That doesn't mean I don't love you. Sometimes Mummy takes five minutes to lock herself in the bathroom, squatting in the corner of the room and holding the lock so you can't turn it from the outside. That doesn't mean I don't love you. Sometimes Mummy needs to take a deep breath before opening a door to prepare herself for you because you're a bundle of energy and noise and I'm not very good at processing those things at the rate that you produce them. That doesn't mean I don't love you. Sometimes Mummy wants to rush you off to school, snaps at you to just give me five seconds of silence, runs from you when you touch her: none of those things mean I don't love you. They are just part of who I am and, unfortunately for you, have become part of how I mother.

I have gone to counselling to try and control these aspects of myself but ultimately, being an introvert is not a mental health problem. I'm not a bad Mum, I'm just a different Mum. I'm the only Mum I can be. 

A Mummy is a person who loves her child unconditionally. She wants her children to feel happy and loved. She wants to teach them to be good grown-ups. She wants to spend every second of every day soaking up the love of her child.

Mummy is an introvert. You see my problem.

Let's make a deal. I will manoeuvre myself around your lives, ensuring I get that precious silence that is vital to me in order to be a good Mum. I will arrange our lives so that there is minimal stress, as little interaction with third parties at one time as possible, and I will recognise my triggers and take breaks when I need to. And you just be you. Because you're awesome at it.

All my love, Mummy

Birthday Wishlist - Age 10.

Paigeypops is turning 10 at the end of next month - that's right, double digits! She's obsessed with Adventure Time these days, and is having an Adventure Time disco with 20 of her friends. Other than that, she has spent this year sewing bits and bobs where she can on her sewing machine or immersing herself in the world of Harry Potter - a world I have long hoped she would begin to enjoy. To reflect these loves (and her first love, Jack Skellington) her birthday wishlist this year is full of bright colours and her love of crafting. Enjoy!

1. Adventure Time encyclopedia // 2. TNBC dress // 3. Oliver + S sewing book
4. Harry Potter stationery kit // 5. Finn hoodie // 6. Oookelele // 7. Adventure Time Monopoly

Birthday Wishlist - Age 3.

Michael's birthday is in two weeks, and my special little man is about to turn three. THREE!! He is completely and utterly a person in his own right now, with his own likes and dislikes, a sense of humour and the ability to hold a conversation about his life outside of our home. In a way it sucks; once upon a time I was this boy's world, and now his horizons are broadening. But the blow is softened by what a cool and kind little person he is becoming. I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, just chatting and making jokes. That's a pretty cool thing to be able to say about the kid that you essentially taught to be a human.

Mooster isn't actually getting presents from us this year; instead we've decided to surprise him with a two-day trip to Peppa Pig World. He is going to be psyched. But he's got a sibling, lots of aunties, uncles and grandparents he needs to inspire on the present front this year, so I've put together a list of things that are made of awesome when you are 3.

1. 'The Hive' playhouse // 2. Tri-Skates // 3. 'Peppa Pig' fairground game
4. 'Be Kind' book // 5. 'Dinosaur Train' books // 6. 'Charlie Brown' bus and figures

RI Plus - Here's What I Would Have Bought.

When River Island announced that they would be branching out into a plus size range, there was a collective swelling of anticipation within the plus community. A quick look at their standard range shows that it ends at a size 18, so I don't think I was alone in being excited by the idea of an extended, inclusive range. Could this be a high street brand who would highlight the need for clothing up to at least a size 32? Were we about to get some of the gorgeous clothes that I had dreamed of, but never been able to buy, from River Island? Looking at the River Island standard range, I see sassy clothes worn. I see shapes, colours, denims, slouchy clothes, fitted clothes. An extension of this range into a size that would actually fit me? I was pretty psyched.

And then they dropped the bombshell. 

"Our exciting new plus size range - in sizes 18 - 24!"

I'm sorry, what? What went from an exciting step towards inclusion changed rapidly into a token gesture, throwing three extra sizes out knowing that the plus size community would give them a bunch of publicity for free. So now I'm conflicted. Of course it's important to highlight the need for plus size ranges in every company, but when it ends at a size 24, it sort of doesn't feel like their heart was really in it. The clothes are... Not great. Mostly shapeless, people have said the t-shirts look too short for plus size bodies and the prints don't show as wide a variety as there is in the straight size range. Nevertheless, I had a look through the entire range and there were a few pieces I found my heart panging for. And isn't that the point? I've been excluded from their straight size range and it makes me sad when I see things they don't feel I am worthy of fitting in to. And then they bring out plus size clothing, they show me a couple of pieces I fall for and yet again I am left feeling sad because their clothes are only worthy of people whose bodies are smaller than mine.

BRANDS: there is no reason whatsoever not to stock to a size 32. There is no reason to say "it's only for now" "it's only while we test the waters" "we are seeing how smaller sizes go down first" -  NO! Smaller, independent brands have done it. You could afford to take a hit to take care of your customers. And the funny thing is, you don't realise just how much custom you're actually missing out on by excluding us. Here's what I would have bought.

Split sleeve t-shirt

£20.00

Stripe asymmetric hem t-shirt*

£18.00

Black wet look high waisted leggings*

£22.00

Check shirt dress

£40.00

Lori skinny jeans

£35.00

Slouchy knitted jumper*

£36.00

GRAND TOTAL: £171.00

Yep, that's right. By not including me in your sizing, you lost out on £171.00. And that's just one customer. I also put stars next to the items I was really drawn to, so would be likely to purchase more than one. I would also have listed more skinny jeans but I'm unsure how much stretch your jeans have in them. Do you make clothes to fit fat bodies, or do you just add a bit more material to your straight size designs? These are questions which the plus size community will answer in time, but not by the larger of us. To give you an indication, #Team26Plus currently has 159 members. Can you imagine if the £171 I have just 'spent' was given to you by all 159 members, every season? 

You just cost yourselves over £100,000. Congrats. 

You need to become more inclusive.

For another voice from the plus community, have a look at Debz' post!

International Women's Day: What Makes A Good Woman?

My focus has been drawn this week towards what makes a 'good' woman, and a 'good' mother. Social media has been ablaze with Mother's Day and International Women's Day messages about who people admire for being a good woman or a good mother, and it really piqued my interest. I try daily to be both of those things, and yet I don't actually know what they mean.

It is easier to define a good mother. If you love your children and you are doing what you can in honour and support of them, then you are a good mother. And part of being a good mother is being a good woman, in my opinion. In fact, I tweeted earlier that part of my duty as a good woman was to teach my son to be a good man. But what does that mean? 

I started with Google. My oh my, I wish I hadn't. The articles I found centred more around what it meant to be a good woman for her man. What I mean by this is that I read articles proclaiming that good women will be reserved and passive, she will follow you blindly and she will, hold your nausea here, 'King' her man. This does include the phrase "feed him grapes". I am serious. Maybe it's just that the right kind of sites have never approached the question, but I couldn't find anything about a woman being a good woman in her own right. I found a list of ideals written by men. And more than one reference to 'chasing tail'.

Studying history, I have been introduced to many 'great women'. These women have paved the way for us and changed the world. But were they good women, or just women who achieved good things? What about looking beyond their political beliefs? Were they kind? Were they happy? 

So here we go. This is what I think makes a good woman.

A good woman is who she wants to be. She isn't unapologetic, because it doesn't cross her mind that there should be anything to apologise for. She is smart; she puts in what she expects to get out of every project. She puts herself on a pedestal, but she is happy to share it with other women. She recognises the strength and love of good men and women. If she wants to be independent, she is. If she wants to take a traditional role within her family home, she does that. She gives herself the right to heal. She gives herself the right to be happy. She acknowledges the struggles of our foremothers which gave her that choice, that right, to be exactly who she is and nobody else.

She is my mother. She is my grandmother. She is my mother-in-law. She is my aunties. She is my sister. She is my daughter. She is the friend who comes to see me just because I feel sad. She is Daisy, Tanya, Lottie, Sarah, KJ, MoG, Katt, Nikki, Georgina and Kitty. She is every woman who reads this blog. And, hopefully, she is me.

Mother's Day 2016.

This morning my special little guy and I took a little walk to the park to get some photos together. They're not the most polished or professional, but it was me, a toddler and a timer function in a park with no tripod. We did okay and the pictures are super special to me anyway.

Cheeky Beaky.

I'm drowning in a river of University work at the moment, but I'm coming up for air to ask a cheeky little favour.

Busy Little Fee has been running for about a year now, but as 2015 drew to a close I began to explore the world of plus size fashion. I've worked really hard to make BLF a happy space full of good fashion, body positivity and a good dollop of general lifestyle. And now the time has come where I ask for something of you in return.

HELLO, THIS IS TACKY. But I would be honoured and touched if I were to be nominated for a British Plus Size Award for Best New Plus Size Blog.

I think I deserve this award because I wear good clothes, I work hard at inducing body positivity in others and I have a voice that matters on the plus size scene.

If you would like to nominate Busy Little Fee as Best New Plus Size Blog, please click here and throw a little nomination to some other awesome plus size people in the other categories too!