11 Ways I Am A Terrible Mother.

I'm not what many would call a 'natural' mother. Sure, I love my kids, but parenting didn't come easy to me. I didn't breastfeed. I used the 'cry it out' method. Exclusively those two things don't make you lazy but heck, if I see my kid choking I give it a second to see if he can figure out how to fix it himself before I jump in and fish it out. My parenting style has generally been to love them, to feed them, to hug them and anything else is on an "only if I REALLY have to" basis. I have now decided that I refuse to believe I'm the only one. Lazy Mums (lums?!) of the world unite! Here are 11 ways I suck at being Mum. No judgies.

I am a huge fan of the idle threat. When I say I'm counting to five, you'd better believe I'll be counting slowly. If I actually have to get up and do some parenting when I get to five, I WILL be mad. And I am currently going between phoning daddy and phoning Santa at least daily. They are much more scary than mummy.

I have never cut my son's nails. I don't know, I guess they're so flimsy they just fall off when they're ready. But Jay told me a story about cutting Jelly's nails when she was a baby and nicking the skin and it bleeding and bleeding. And because of that story, Moo's nails have never been cut. Hopefully he just magically learns to cut them himself and I never need to do it!

Sometimes I put Moo down for a nap just because I have shit to get done. I can't be the only mum, right? "I KNOW you're not tired, darling, but mummy scheduled two hours of revision* for today so just go to bed and watch a film". Yup. I also use Netflix as a babysitter sometimes. *Gilmore Girls

I totally have a favourite child. The favourite child is whichever one is pissing me off less that day.

I have lied about the time to make bedtime earlier. The worst part is Jelly is 9 and doesn't even check the clock, she just goes with it. Whoops!

I laugh when my kids fall over. I'm not talking "I check if they're okay and then I chuckle", I'm talking I straight-up piss my pants and IF I notice any blood or tears I half laugh, half mop them up. Sorry, kids. Mummy thrives on the comedy of your failures.

On that note, I've actually filmed my children throwing tantrums sometimes. I'm not really sure why...

I'm a moody Mummy. If I want to read "7 reasons you should be more patient with your kids", I think they should shut the fuck up and let me do it. Come ON, kids! Mummy's trying to ignore you!

I am fully aware that raising a child is not a competition, except that it is and my kids are winning it for me. Did I mention my two year old is fluent in German, Portuguese, Russian and Bulgarian*? *all a total lie. But didn't I win at parenting for just a *fraction* of a moment?

I'm one of those parents who SHAMES their children out of bad habits. IS THAT YOUR FINGER UP YOUR NOSE? I will bellow in Tesco. Yeah, my kids hate me. Grotty little buggers.

So let's have it, fellow lums. Do you suck too? A terrible admission shared is a terrible admission... Well, that I can laugh at. Do you feel like challenging me for my throne?

Wedding Wednesday: My Bridal Shower

I honestly thought I'd blog so much of the pre-wedding process, but I've just been so busy living it all that I've totally forgotten to sit down and write about it. Maybe I'll share some vlogs on things like decorations etc, if there's any interest.

When I first asked my auntie to be my maid-of-honour, I was very clear about one thing: I don't want a stripper anywhere near any pre-marital celebrations. Call me crazy, but I just feel like if you've agreed to marry somebody you're probably not at a stage where you want a strange man rubbing himself on your face. Maybe that's just me.

My second request was that it could be appropriate for Jelly to come along with me. Yes, part of that was to ensure there was nothing untoward and ridiculously embarrassing planned, but also because I felt like it was important to me that she would be there. I sent out a list of email addresses of ladies I'd love to be there and left the rest entirely in the hands of my auntie Kerren and one of my bridesmaids, Daniella. I knew zilch.

As it got closer to the time, it got pretty obvious when the shower was going to be: I knew there was a select time period when my Mum was down this way (she lives 700 miles away), she gave me her daily itinerary and Saturday 27th June was her only day with zero plans, I kept getting texts and Facebook messages from people apologising that they had work or other plans on that day - yeah, people are not good at keeping secrets. Eventually, I admitted I knew exactly when the shower was (down to the  exact time - 3 - 7 - because Jelly goes to her Mum's at 7pm on Saturdays so a late drop-off had to be arranged) and let myself start to get excited. The location, however, remained a complete mystery.

Me, Jelly, Daniella, Kerren in the mirror and my Mum taking the photo

Pouring Jelly her tea

Between people not RSVPing (I totally sympathise with this, it has been the only thing I have hated about wedding planning!), people working, being a bridesmaid for somebody else that day or not having childcare available, there ended up being five of us there: me, my Mum, Kerren (auntie and MOH), Daniella (bridesmaid) and Jelly (bridesmaid). My other two bridesmaids couldn't make it - Kathy had to work so we arranged a spa break for just the two of us as our own celebration, and my sister, Sophie, is 11 and lives in Glasgow so it was never going to be feasible for her to come along. We bundled into a taxi, picking up Daniella from the train station on the way, and my auntie told the driver that the location was a secret from me so not to mention anything about where we were going. And off we went.

My bridal shower ended up being in Woughton, in a beautiful location where there was actually a wedding going on that day! After we managed to sneak past the bridal party having their pictures taken (whoops) and talking ourselves out of stealing a complimentary Bucks Fizz, we were led through to a beautiful room which was set up for afternoon tea. We each chose a different tea, then tucked into sandwiches and cakes which were absolutely gorgeous. We were stuffed by the end - and I definitely took the leftovers home in a doggy bag to share with Moo! I wasn't letting that go to waste!

Clearly entertaining Daniella with my hilarious story...

Once we'd eaten we found a nice seating area in the reception where we set up shop to play some bridal shower games, drink champagne (Sparking apple juice for Jelly!) and open some presents. Kerren had emailed Jay and I a set of questions each to play The Mr & Mrs game and it turns out he knows me better than I know him, as I failed pretty miserably! My Mum arranged an adorable game, where she had pictures of me throughout my life and we guessed how old I was in each one (not surprisingly I won...) and then we talked, laughed, played the rizla game (though we used actual paper so I suppose its called 'Who Am I?'), I opened some gifts and we drank, talked and laughed some more. Afterwards we took a walk around outside where there were beautiful grounds, a rope swing hanging from a tree and beautiful arches and flowers galore. 

Jelly pushing Granny Emma (my Mum) on the swing

And me pushing Jelly. 

I had a really beautiful day and can't thank the four of them enough not just for coming, but for the work that went in to arranging it all. Even Jelly bought herself a new frock and wore her 'fancy gloves'! I felt really special and very loved, and it made me all the more excited to share our wedding day with our awesome families and fantastic friends.