Talk Me Through It: Smear Test

***WARNING, THIS POST CONTAINS TMI***

My anxiety is often centred on different situations, and by that I mean that I will focus on playing scenarios out in my head when I don't know how they're going to go. If I don't know the exact route to a job interview I'll play over every situation in my head to the point of obsession, maybe just as a way of being one step ahead of every disaster so feeling in control. So I've decided to start a little blog project called 'talk me through it', for anybody else who feels the same way that I do. Even if you don't suffer from an anxiety disorder, we all feel anxious sometimes and it can be really helpful to feel like you know what you're up against before you enter battle. Or whatever you're entering.

Today my topic is smear tests. This smear test (or cervical screening test) was my first one, though I'm no stranger to having medical professionals looking at my bits - in my pregnancy I had a vaginal scan and a stretch and sweep, as well as all of the other lovely things that happen pre and post baby. And the actual giving birth part, which didn't end up being vaginal, but did end up with lots of fingers and utensils being put inside me before the decision was made to get me off to theatre. I feel I am not saying soothing things right now. 

A smear test is nothing like that. See, I can be soothing. I entered the room and had a short chat with a nurse about what kinds of things the smear test looks for, but I already knew most of what she said as I'd looked it up online, and asked about periods etc. Against the wall was a bed, with blue roll all down it and one extra sheet placed on top. There were curtains around the bed. The nurse asked me to take my bottoms off, lay on the table and cover my modesty with the spare piece of blue roll when I was ready. While I was doing that, she prepared her medical equipment, then asked if it was okay to open the curtain.

The procedure itself is short and painless. She asked me to pull my feet as close to my bottom as I could, then let my knees fall apart. She lubricated me then inserted a speculum, explaining to me exactly what she was doing as she did it. As I am plus size, she had a bit of trouble seeing my cervix so she removed the speculum and used a larger one, while asking me to put my hands under my bottom so I tilted my cervix up slightly. This may or may not happen to you depending on your size and shape, but it is nothing unusual or to get worked up about. The larger speculum doesn't hurt more, but you can feel it more. Honestly I was more worried I'd fart while she was down there than I was about her actually being there!

Once the speculum is in and she can see your cervix, a small brush that kind of looks like a mascara wand (I didn't see it, I looked it up online) goes inside and sweeps your cervix, collecting cells which will be sent to the lab. Again, this doesn't hurt, but you could feel it. It felt like the pressure you get when you need to pee, in a way. Then she was finished. She gave me tissue to wipe the lubricant away and told me where to dispose of it when I was finished, and then she left me in privacy to clean myself up and get dressed. Afterwards, she explained that you may experience light spotting/bleeding and said that the results will come in letter form from your hospital, not GP, in the next 2-3 weeks. Importantly, she said I will receive a letter whether there is a problem or not - this saves me panicking when I receive a letter, or panicking when I don't that they have forgotten about me and there is an actual problem.

Here are the things people commonly worry about when thinking about a smear test:

Exposing yourself. No offence, but it's nothing special, it's just a fanny. She's seen probably thousands, depending on how long she's been in her job, and she won't remember yours. We've all got them and being secretive about yours isn't worth potentially risking your life. Unfortunately, exposing yourself to doctors is part of growing up for both genders, from smear tests to childbirth to prostate examinations and everything in between. It's just something you have to do to stay healthy.

Pain. Like I said, it doesn't hurt. You can definitely feel that something is happening but at no stage did I wince or anything like that and I'm a huge pansy. 

Awkwardness. YEP! It's hella awkward. But it's her job, she's going to be professional, it's literally five minutes out of your day. Don't feel the need to chitchat or anything, she wants you done and out of there as much as you do. Just do as you're told, get it done and move along. And like I said the most awkward thing to me was the fear that I would fart and you know what? I bet she's had that happen a million times too.

Period. If you are on your period, don't go! The NHS advises that the middle of your cycle is the optimum time to go. That way you won't be worried about whether or not you're going to start your period in the lead up to the event. And if you do start, just ring up and reschedule. NHS resources are stretched enough, and people not showing up instead of cancelling their appointment (so it can be offered to someone else) puts a further strain on things. They will be happy to reschedule to accommodate you, the nurses aren't going anywhere.

I think that's it! Sorry for way way way too much information but I figure it's better to be open and honest so that if you're worried you're not getting the full story, you can read this blog and know exactly how it happens. I hope this puts at least one woman's mind at ease. And please don't ever put off a smear test because you're scared of any of the things mentioned above, or especially if it's because you're scared of the outcome. A five minute smear test could save your life.