I grew up on a small island off the North coast of Scotland, moving to the South of England back in 2010. Let me tell you, my embarrassing trans-coastal accent aside, (is trans-coastal a thing?) you don't realise how much you love Scotland until you've left. And in the spirit of St. Andrew's day, here are six things that changed when I moved to England.
1. Breakfast. Only in Scotland do you specify that the sausage you want on your plate is to be a link sausage, because square (Lorne) sausage is the norm. I remember walking into a Greggs and asking for a roll and link sausage. They looked at me like I was mad. Worse still was when I worked at a Greggs in England, the customer asked for a roll and sausage and I replied "Link or Lorne?". And have you ever tried asking an English person for a tattie scone?Breakfast just isn't the same down here.
2. The weather. I'm not saying I miss Scottish weather, because you were twice as likely to have plans ruined by a rainy day in July up in Scotland, but I feel like if the rain isn't horizontally whipping you across the cheeks as you walk, it isn't real coat weather. And what's with the lack of snow down here? Facebook is a sad place every November; all of my relatives are frolicking and making snowmen, and here I am stepping in puddles. Rubbish.
3. The insults. They're just not as good here in England. Scotland, the land where 'cunt' is thrown in casually into conversation, has perfected the art of the insult. So much so, that I have noticed a southern English tendency to emulate the Scottish method of speech when particularly angry - what would normally said 'baarstard' becomes 'BASS-tard' in a fit of rage. And, honestly, shouting "BYE NOO!" sarcastically after a disgruntled customer just doesn't have the same effect in England, where 'noo' isn't even a word but a vaccuum cleaner in the Teletubbies.
4. The terms of endearment. Why can't I call everyone 'hen'? Why does everybody need to be 'mate'? And to link back in to the last point, nothing disproves a lady talking shit better than "NAW HEN". It just doesn't have the same effect south of the border.
5. The drinks. Now, I'm not a heavy drinker whatsoever - to the detriment of my motherland's stereotype. But I did enjoy a tipple or two in my teenage years. Southern Comfort was my drink of choice, and it has come to light that my comfort-to-coke ratio has always been a little off. In fact, when Jay asks me for a drink, he now specifies whether he wants me to pour him Scotland or England measures. If you want to make a drink Scottish, just pour your nip of spirit as you normally would, and then pour it two inches higher. What's the point in a spirit if it doesn't fill the bottom third of your glass?
6. My accent. And I don't just mean the fact that my accent has actually changed in itself, I mean the attitudes towards my accent. When I grew up in the north of Scotland, I was mocked for the way I said certain words 'English'. Then I moved to Glasgow, where I was told I sounded like I was from Yorkshire. Then I moved down here, where my accent stood out and nobody could understand me. Five years on, my accent has mellowed following years of working with the public and being frustrated at not being understood. I now get constant comments from Scottish people about how "omg sooo English" I sound. I get constant comments from English people about how Scottish I sound. And instead of cringing at the occasional word, I now cringe at every word I speak. Because, um, who the hell sounds like this?! I feel like I'm putting on a fake accent!
So there you have it. I hated growing up in the middle of nowhere and I love my life here, but part of me thinks I would love to return to the motherland one day. For now, I have retired my tartan, binned my haggis and am living live as a filthy Sassenach. But on this St. Andrews Day I am tipping my bowler hat to my roots and acknowledging all the ways my life changed when I crossed the border. And now I'm older, I quite like that my accent may be English, but part of me will always be Scottish.
And no I'm not going to translate Auld Lang Syne for you. Why do people always ask me that?
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